You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
