Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
