When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
