if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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