Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
