why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
