If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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