Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
