I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
