It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
