You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
