He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
