Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
