why do cheetos always look like penises
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
