The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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