the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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