It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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