I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
