In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
