i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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