Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
