No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
