i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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