Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
