My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
