maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
