I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
