I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
