You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
