Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
