She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
