I feel great
I just peed on a car
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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