He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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