Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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