They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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