i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
