I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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