Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
