I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
