ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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