Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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