fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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