Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
