Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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