Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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