He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We left the knife in your bed.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
