Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
