She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
