Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
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I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
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We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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