well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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