Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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