I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
