I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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