My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You're a waste of cheezeits
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
