So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
