So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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