the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
