Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
