awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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