i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize