Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
