Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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