and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
being pregnant is like rehab
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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